“Checking Out can lead to Crossing Over”

Unresolved anger, planted in the soul, eventually gives rise to resentment, which when unchecked, produces the fruit of retaliation.

By now you’ve heard the story: Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater had a bad day, maybe a string of bad days, 28 long years of being polite to rude passengers. Finally he had enough. Whether the passenger provoked Slater by cursing him when he asked her not to stand up to retrieve her bags while the plane was taxiing, or whether Slater himself had been edgy and snarly to passengers from the beginning of the flight is a matter of perspective and opinion. What is clear is that Slater had enough. Maybe he was channeling the character Howard Beale, whose rant in the 1976 film Network, galvanized the nation with the words “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore.” What is clear is that Slater cursed the passengers over the plane’s intercom, and then checked out on his job, sliding down the plane’s emergency chute, a beer in each hand.

And now he has become a cultural hero. In fact, t-shirts are for sale that say, “I wish my job had an emergency exit.” This message of escape resonates with thousands who have felt like checking out and jumping down the chute.

Americans are agitated with life as it is in our country. A Wall Street Journal/NBC poll inferred that Slater’s actions reflected a broad public anger, a resentment that in November will fire the politicians now in office. A “Jet Blue Nation” has had enough; it’s “mad as hell” and is “not going to take this anymore.”

And so, here we are: unresolved anger, planted in the soul, gives rise to resentment, which when unchecked, produces the fruit of retaliation. And retaliation, we all know, can get ugly. When widespread, it can unleash forces that tear apart the fabric holding a nation together.

Most of us have indulged in fantasies of retaliation, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. They can actually help us process our anger and douse the potential fires of revenge. It’s when our visions of addressing those who have wronged us become primarily violent in nature and predominant in our thinking that professional help should be sought.

It’s all about relationships. And relationships can be difficult. That’s because we can’t control what people do to us. All we can truly control is our attitude. As pioneer psychologist William James said, “Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

We have all been hurt. Whether it’s someone’s insensitive behavior on an airplane, or a spouse’s vindictive words in the home, or child’s temper tantrum in the grocery store, or a boss’ verbal abuse in front of peers, or a friend’s cutthroat betrayals at the office water cooler, we all have grounds for reprisal.

And, sometimes, particularly in harmful situations, we have no other option than to check out, exit the scene, slide down the chute, and start over.

Even within that, especially within that, there is hope. Perhaps that’s why Elizabeth Gilbert’s bestselling book Eat, Pray, Love, now made into a movie starring Julia Roberts, has connected with so many people. Despite the less than favorable movie reviews, it grossed $23,700,000 last weekend, second to The Expendables. For some reason people identify with Gilbert, who has experienced a bitter divorce, a confusing rebound relationship, and a frightening depression. She sets out on a journey, financed by an advance on the book (Gilbert is a writer, by profession), to Italy, India, and Indonesia--- to find, among other things, who she is, to feel life again, and discover how she can live in balance.

In one scene from the movie, Julia Roberts (playing Gilbert) is engaged in conversation with friends. The question is asked, “What word describes who you are?” Roberts isn’t sure how to answer but responds with, “Writer.” A friend reminds her that her word is a description of what she does, not who she is. By the end of the movie (and book), she has her word. She finds it as she receives the wisdom of her spiritual guru, Ketut, "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." She then declares her word to her lover, Felipe, whom she has decided to love, truly. Her word is the Italian word, “attraversiamo.” It means, “Let’s cross over.”

For some it’s magical thinking in fantasy land. And to a degree it is. But it’s better than drowning in anger, or being isolated by rage, or destroyed by grief.

Journey together. Grow together. Heal each other’s wounds. Soothe each other’s pain. Fight each other’s fears. Together.

A fantasy? Perhaps. But let’s try, anyway.

Let’s cross over. Together.


Life Matters is written by David B. Whitlock, Ph.D. David’s email is drdavid@davidbwhitlock.com. You can visit his website at davidbwhitlock.com