Lost in a GOP Gameday Nightmare

While awaiting the Republican presidential candidates’ debate, I fell asleep, sitting there on my couch. I awoke with a jolt, glanced at my watch, and realized the debates had already started. Hurriedly turning the channel to CNN, I anticipated the debate, this one broadcast live from Las Vegas.

Instead I got College Game Day. I flipped the channel back and tried again: still College Game Day. I checked my clicker and tried once more: College Game Day again. In fact, every channel on TV was College Game Day.

I rubbed my eyes. “This can’t be,” I thought, “I must be in some kind of media warp.”

But there was Chris Fowler hosting College Game Day, “Live,” he was saying, “from Las Vegas.”

“What?” I asked. “The Republican debate on College Game Day?”

But the camera spanned the football stadium, and sure enough, right there on the field, the Republican presidential candidates were warming up in football uniforms.

Then I saw the Game Day crew: Fowler, Lee Corso, Kirk Herbstreit, and Desmond Howard. It was true; I could hear them speaking:

FOWLER: “This promises to be another wild one.”

HERBSTREIT: “No, doubt. And you’ve got to like Herman Cain as a favorite tonight. He’s rocketed like a meteor to the top of the polls and appears to be on a roll; his offense is really clicking with that 9-9-9 plan. It’s amazing, but this unlikely candidate could run the tables and find himself in a BCS bowl or even in the Championship Game with President Obama.”

CORSO: “Not so fast! Michelle Bachman has slipped, but she’s not done yet. The feisty little former IRS tax attorney has an aggressive offense that will shred that 9-9-9 plan by exposing its inconsistencies and mistakes. Cain better be ready! He could go down as quickly as he shot to the top. ”

HOWARD: “I don’t think any of you guys comprehend the efficiency and professionalism of Mitt Romney’s offense and defense. He may not be very exciting, but he’s paid his dues and has the experience to get the job done. And just look at him down there warming up. That uniform fits him perfectly. I mean, he looks sooo quarterbackish.”

HERBSTREIT: “Well, I tell you, Obama would love to face off with him; the clash between Obamacare and Romneycare could be revealing, an epic matchup.”

CORSO: “Not so fast, again! You’re forgetting Governor Perry. Remember, you don’t mess with Texas.”

FOWLER: “Where is the governor, anyway? I haven’t seen him on the field.”

HOWARD: “He’s just reentered the stadium. He was scheduled to appear at a pre-game prayer breakfast, and now he seems to be scooting away from a preacher who’s wearing a T-shirt that says, ‘Thank God I’m a Baptist,’ on one side and ‘Mormons Need not Apply,’ on the other.”

At that moment, President Obama himself joined the Game Day crew, smiling, wearing sun glasses, and sporting a ball cap that said, “It’s not my Fault.” (41% of the fans booed; 22% cheered; and 37% were chanting, “We want Chris Christie.”)

FOWLER: “Welcome, Mr. President. Hey, how much did you pay for that snazzy cap?”

PRESIDENT OBAMA: “$29.25, including tax.”

CORSO: “Taxes, ugh. That’s ridiculously high!”

PRESIDENT OBAMA: “You’ve got to remember the financial situation I inherited from my predecessor and what with this Republican Congress…”

CORSO: “Oh, I wasn’t being critical; I think you’re doing a fine job.”

PRESIDENT OBAMA: “You do? Really? Oh, well, sorry, in that case, I’ll just sit down and scout these candidates as they rip each other. And, haha, I don’t even have to get sweaty and dirty! I can just relax and enjoy the show.”

Everyone laughed; the College Game Day crew faded as the camera spanned the lights of Vegas from far above the city.

Then I thought I could hear someone call out my name: “David, David.”

It was my wife: “You must have fallen asleep again,” she consoled.
“You won’t believe it.” I said. “I went to a political debate and a football game broke out. Was it in a dream? Was it just a dream? I know, yes I know. It seemed so very real, seemed so real to me. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one…”

“Sure,” she sarcastically quipped.

“She’s right,” I admitted, “that was just a dream.”

Walking away from the TV, I could barely hear David Gregory hosting Meet the Press. “Welcome to today’s program,” I faintly heard him saying, “our panel of political experts will continue our debate of which college football team will win the national championship…”




Contact David B. Whitlock, Ph.D. at davidbwhitlock.com or visit his website, davidbwhitlock.com