Missing the ashes

I missed the ashes last Wednesday.

Don’t get me wrong: My wife and I privately prayed morning prayers.

I just didn’t attend an Ash Wednesday service.

The last time I did, people whispered that the Baptist preacher was converting to Catholicism. Far from doing that, I am firmly anchored in my Baptist moorings. I simply find times of spiritual recommitment healthy to spiritual growth.

And Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of Lent, can prompt rededications of faith.

Lent is a reminder to me and many others of what the Christian life should be ALL the time. It has a way of recalibrating my Christian life, nudging me to a sometimes painful self- examination as I commit to specific actions of love that flow from God’s forgiving grace. Anything I give up or add on for the period of Lent holds the possibility of becoming a permanent fixture in the arena of my spiritual life.

But one thing remains the same whatever season it is: God’s love.

Participating in Lent is not an effort to persuade God to love me more. God doesn’t love me a lot when I am doing well in my spiritual life and just a little when I am doing poorly. As author Jerry Bridges has observed, “After throwing overboard our works as a means to salvation, we want to drag them back on board as a means of maintaining favor with God.”

God’s love is constant. A performance-based Christianity is grounded in doing; a grace-based Christianity is based on being, on believing, which inevitably leads in acts of love to and for others.

In response to the crowds who wanted Jesus to tell them what to do, Jesus’ admonition was frustrating to them: “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent” (John 6:28-29).

It was maddening to them just as it is for us; we had much rather be told what to do than to trust and believe in a God that who unconditionally loves us.

So, I miss the ashes because they remind me that like them, my life is messy and will one day end in my demise (“ashes to ashes, dust to dust”), but despite my sinfulness, God still uses the likes of me anyway, just as he does those ashes, because the power of his love prevails.

“Let’s have our own Ash Wednesday service,” I suggested to my wife.

Her smile was her answer.

And so we did.

Taking turns, we read from the Ash Wednesday service in The Book of Common Prayer, and then kneeling on the footstool by the fireplace that was temporarily transformed into an alter, we prayed. For the ceremony of the ashes---we marked our foreheads with lump charcoal I grabbed from my grill.

It was just the two of us. But the quiet snow gently falling outside our window and the birds huddled in the branches of the trees nearby reminded us that we, like them, were not alone, that just as God’s eye is on the sparrow, he watches over us, and beyond what we could see, our simple penitence was applauded by a host of invisible witnesses.

We wore the ashes the rest of the evening, in preparation for the dawn of a new Day: Easter, out there, on the far distant horizon, beyond the Wicket Gate where the Shining Light reveals the Way, prompting a yearning within for what the Scriptures declare: He is here, even now…

…the Truth already living in our hearts.

 

Watch your step

“I walked 48 steps today,” she proudly announced in response to my question, “How are you doing?”

She was in a long-term care facility, determined to get better and back to her home.

“Of course, I’m sure 48 steps doesn’t sound like much to you, but it’s a big improvement for me.”

She was right in saying 48 steps didn’t seem like much for me. But my situation is totally different than hers.  For her, walking 48 steps was an amazing accomplishment.

“That’s great,” I congratulated her. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you walk right out of here.”

The truth was, when she mentioned her steps and mine, I had a fairly accurate idea of how many steps I had already taken that day.

Knowing the number of my steps would have never entered my mind had she made that comment several months ago. That’s because it would have been pre-Fitbit time.

I hadn’t heard of a Fitbit until a friend mentioned how much she enjoyed hers. She especially liked tracking the number of steps she took each day.  I thought, “Why would anyone want to do that?”

Then my wife surprised me with a Fitbit for my birthday. My Fitbit knows me well: how many steps I take, my heart rate, the number of hours I sleep, how many stairs I climb, the number of calories I burn, how many miles I walk or run.

And like my friend who introduced me to the Fitbit, I’m into it.

But I’ll warn you: If you, like me, have tendencies toward obsessiveness, watch your step, or you might become consumed with how many you are taking. The Fitbit can become a dominating force in your life.

One evening, Lori heard me going up and down the stairs in our house. “Tell me you’re not doing that just to get in more steps and stairs,” she demanded.

I didn’t answer, wondering if I should I plead the Fifth.

“Are you?

Still no answer.

“WELL, are you?”

I had been straining to get in two more flights of stairs before having to confess and come clean.

Anther time she heard me running in place in the kitchen.

“What are you doing in there?” she questioned from the den.

“Oh, just making sure the dishwasher’s running okay,” I said, trying to weasel out of admitting my guilt.

A few days later, I could tell I had gone too far. “Would you quit running in place while you’re talking to me? This is ridiculous,” Lori complained.

She simply didn’t understand that I was only 33 calories away from reaching a new goal in my “number of calories burned” category.

After that, anytime Lori heard me exercising at odd times in our home, she wouldn’t even bother asking why and would just shout, “David, stop that.”

Then I got her a Fitbit for Christmas.

A few weeks later, I saw her running in place.

“Addictive, isn’t it?” I grinned in triumph.

With the exception of sleep (“How many hours did you sleep? How much time awake/restless?), we rarely if ever compare with each other.

That’s because we not only have different goals but we are, well, different people with different physiological demands and capabilities.

It wouldn’t make any more sense for me to compare my steps with the 48 of the lady in the long-term care facility than it would for me to try and keep up with someone training for a Triathlon.

Keeping track of these areas of physical activity is simply a way of setting goals to do better in certain areas of our lives. But like anything, if taken too far and too seriously, it can suck the joy out of something that should be fulfilling.

There was a time when I tried keeping track of how much time I spent in prayer, but I stopped because it began sapping the pleasure from my time with God. I don’t think about the time when I pray. I just pray.

So, if I begin dreading my walks, get aggravated because I’m climbing stairs, or find myself waking in the night fearful that I’m missing my sleep goal, I’ll probably quit wearing my Fitbit for a while.

But until then, I’ll watch my steps and hope Lori and I don’t run into each other with all the extra walking in our house.

Just one look?

My preacher friend, Reverend Jay Hatfield, says it was love at first sight.

“I met my wife in my backyard,” he teases. 

It happened like this: Jay’s wife, Cheryl, happened to be with her mother when they stopped by for a visit at the Hatfield’s house. Jay’s mother and Cheryl’s mother were friends. The three of them were standing in the backyard when Jay, 19 years old then, walked outside. He took just one look at Cheryl and instantly knew she was the one. Two weeks later he proposed to her and about a year after that, they were married.

That was over 33 years ago.

It may have been love at first sight, but it takes more than just one look for a couple to stay together in a successful marriage such as the Hatfield’s have enjoyed.

That’s because marriage isn’t easy. Dispel the myth that you are doing something wrong if you face difficulties in your marriage. Marriage is not always easy, because life is not always easy.

Any number of things can act as stress points in a marriage: finances, work, children, parents, sickness. Those things are common to life. You have an unusual marriage indeed if you don’t face challenges in at least one of those areas. That’s because they are part of life.

But despite all the potential difficulties, you can have a beautiful marriage.

After a rocky first year of marriage, a young bride commented to me: “Well, I survived the first year of marriage.”

Sometimes all you can do is survive. But if you stay with it and do the right things, your marriage can at some point not just survive but thrive.

In fact, I can use the word “thrive” as an acrostic for keys to a healthy marriage.

T: Trust. Thriving through the challenges of any marriage requires trust. If one partner is in perpetual doubt about the trustworthiness of another, it is virtually impossible to relax and enjoy each other much less overcome the additional difficulties that will inevitably occur.

H: Honor. I’ve never liked it when one partner puts down the other, especially in public. As a public speaker, I avoid using humor about my wife that might place her in anything less than a positive light. Honor your spouse. Lift him or her up. Sow positive words into their life, and you will be more likely to reap positive actions from them.

R: Relate. Learn how to relate to each other. Some people have a natural knack for being able to express how they feel. Communication is easy for them. Not everyone is like that. Be aware of how you best communicate and learn your partner’s style of verbal and non-verbal expression. Then be patient with each other and willing to accommodate to each other’s style.

I: Intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be about sex. Sitting next to each other while watching TV, a simple hug, a lingering look, or a quiet conversation can be moments of intimacy.

V: Virtue. I’m referring to spouses holding one another to moral and ethical principles that are right and good in and of themselves and thus right and good for each other. Leading a virtuous lifestyle enhances trustworthiness and therefore makes room for free and uninhibited expressions of love. The opposite is also true. Failure to live virtuously can damage trust and inhibit the love a partner yearns to receive and give. We see that happen when one partner is unfaithful to the other. In her book, In Praise of Marriage, Edith Atkin writes, “It is the rare man or woman who can carry on a secret love affair and eventually end it without disturbing the even tenor of his or her married life.”

E: Enjoy. Enjoy each other. Take an active interest in what interests your partner, whether it’s a hobby, spiritual experience, or form of entertainment.

This little acrostic for a thriving marriage certainly isn’t exhaustive, but adhering to it can help build a strong foundation for a marriage. Working though the storms of life together can better your own personal life and empower your marriage as well.

And you and your spouse might even look better to each other down through the years.

If only in the eyes of you two.

After all, those are the only eyes that really count.

For much more and much longer than just one look.