Just one look?

My preacher friend, Reverend Jay Hatfield, says it was love at first sight.

“I met my wife in my backyard,” he teases. 

It happened like this: Jay’s wife, Cheryl, happened to be with her mother when they stopped by for a visit at the Hatfield’s house. Jay’s mother and Cheryl’s mother were friends. The three of them were standing in the backyard when Jay, 19 years old then, walked outside. He took just one look at Cheryl and instantly knew she was the one. Two weeks later he proposed to her and about a year after that, they were married.

That was over 33 years ago.

It may have been love at first sight, but it takes more than just one look for a couple to stay together in a successful marriage such as the Hatfield’s have enjoyed.

That’s because marriage isn’t easy. Dispel the myth that you are doing something wrong if you face difficulties in your marriage. Marriage is not always easy, because life is not always easy.

Any number of things can act as stress points in a marriage: finances, work, children, parents, sickness. Those things are common to life. You have an unusual marriage indeed if you don’t face challenges in at least one of those areas. That’s because they are part of life.

But despite all the potential difficulties, you can have a beautiful marriage.

After a rocky first year of marriage, a young bride commented to me: “Well, I survived the first year of marriage.”

Sometimes all you can do is survive. But if you stay with it and do the right things, your marriage can at some point not just survive but thrive.

In fact, I can use the word “thrive” as an acrostic for keys to a healthy marriage.

T: Trust. Thriving through the challenges of any marriage requires trust. If one partner is in perpetual doubt about the trustworthiness of another, it is virtually impossible to relax and enjoy each other much less overcome the additional difficulties that will inevitably occur.

H: Honor. I’ve never liked it when one partner puts down the other, especially in public. As a public speaker, I avoid using humor about my wife that might place her in anything less than a positive light. Honor your spouse. Lift him or her up. Sow positive words into their life, and you will be more likely to reap positive actions from them.

R: Relate. Learn how to relate to each other. Some people have a natural knack for being able to express how they feel. Communication is easy for them. Not everyone is like that. Be aware of how you best communicate and learn your partner’s style of verbal and non-verbal expression. Then be patient with each other and willing to accommodate to each other’s style.

I: Intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be about sex. Sitting next to each other while watching TV, a simple hug, a lingering look, or a quiet conversation can be moments of intimacy.

V: Virtue. I’m referring to spouses holding one another to moral and ethical principles that are right and good in and of themselves and thus right and good for each other. Leading a virtuous lifestyle enhances trustworthiness and therefore makes room for free and uninhibited expressions of love. The opposite is also true. Failure to live virtuously can damage trust and inhibit the love a partner yearns to receive and give. We see that happen when one partner is unfaithful to the other. In her book, In Praise of Marriage, Edith Atkin writes, “It is the rare man or woman who can carry on a secret love affair and eventually end it without disturbing the even tenor of his or her married life.”

E: Enjoy. Enjoy each other. Take an active interest in what interests your partner, whether it’s a hobby, spiritual experience, or form of entertainment.

This little acrostic for a thriving marriage certainly isn’t exhaustive, but adhering to it can help build a strong foundation for a marriage. Working though the storms of life together can better your own personal life and empower your marriage as well.

And you and your spouse might even look better to each other down through the years.

If only in the eyes of you two.

After all, those are the only eyes that really count.

For much more and much longer than just one look.