The seven habits of highly effective marriage partners

What to do after the wedding?  What happens after writing thank you notes, storing the wedding dress, returning tuxes, making photo selections, and editing the wedding DVD?

After the wedding, a marriage happens, that’s what.

I usually ask people who want me to perform their wedding why they want to get married. In my 29 years of pastoring, I've never had a couple say, “We want to argue, fuss and fight and ignore each other until our marriage is virtually dead so we can go to divorce court. That’s our plan.”

It’s never happened.

Not once.

But that’s exactly what I see too often with couples who spend months planning for a wedding without giving much if any thought to how they are going to live their lives together.

It’s the habits they develop after the wedding that make the difference between a thriving marriage and a languishing one.

Successful marital partners engage in several habits. From time to time, I ask my wife how I’m doing with these, because good habits are hard to make and easy to break while bad habits are easy to make and hard to break.

First, watch what you say. Communication is vital to a fulfilled marriage. It’s how we express our feelings. Use words that build up your partner. Say things like: “You’re beautiful to me. I’m blessed to be married to you. Thank you for being who you are.” Practice listening intently to your spouse. Take in what your partner is saying instead of thinking about how long you have to wait until you can talk. And, remember communication is more than just words. As Dr. Phil has said: “Only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.”

Secondly, keep dating. No, not other people. Date yourselves. Make a date with each other and keep it, just as if you were in the early stages of your relationship. It’s healthy for partners to spend time with friends, but make time just for yourselves too. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date. Lori and I have a date with each other once a week, even if it’s just pizza and a movie at home.

Third, seek common ground. Habit four in Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “Think Win/Win.” It’s a habit that should be incorporated into every marriage. Seek common ground, especially when conflicts arise. And they will. So be prepared. Make sure you understand your partner, and give each other the freedom to express feelings without the fear of being judged for them. If you have to win every argument, you are putting you and your spouse in a lose/lose situation.

Fourth, remember there is more than one way to have sex. Don’t worry, I’m not going E. L. James (50 Shades of  Grey) on you. Sex is more than simply getting physical.  Quiet conversations and cuddling can be intimate moments. I read where couples that pray together have more satisfying lovemaking. It makes sense: Praying together is itself an intimate time. It strengthens the bond of trust and can therefore enhance the physical aspect of your relationship.

Fifth, remember little things make a big difference.  I thank Lori when she unloads the dishwasher, and she thanks me for taking out the trash.  It doesn't take much time to express appreciation. Be sincere in what you say.  Use words like, “I appreciate you for…” Be specific. And don’t be afraid to ask what you can do to be a better spouse. You might be surprised at the answer you get. I ask Lori that question from time to time. Once, she told me to quit clinking my glass on the cabinet early in the morning. I didn't realize I was doing that. A simple coaster took care of my annoying habit.

Sixth, forget about changing your spouse. Work on yourself instead. Resist the temptation to think that if your partner were better, you would be too. Start with bettering yourself. Don’t let familiarity breed laziness so that you get sloppy in the way you take care of yourself. That doesn't mean you have to stay in your dress clothes all the time.  But not paying attention to your appearance can become a bad habit that communicates an “I don’t care” attitude toward your relationship.

Seventh, laugh out loud.  It truly can be the best medicine for your marriage. So often we take ourselves too seriously. Laughter is not only a stress reliever, but it can improve your immune system and relieve pain, according to research at the Mayo Clinic.

Make a habit of practicing these habits. You don’t have to be married for them to work for you. I’m sure there are more, but start here with these seven and watch your relationships and life grow.