Christmas can be tough, especially for blended families. And apparently there are plenty of them. It’s been estimated that more than half of Americans live in some form of a blended family. Stepfamily therapist, Steven Straub, believes that the blended family will become, if it’s not already, the predominate family structure in the United States.
One of the major stressors during the holiday season involves the dynamics involved in blending a family. The holiday season comes packaged with enough tension already, what with gifts to buy, traffic to fight, and programs to attend. When you throw in the jealousies of a step grandmother, or the vengefulness of an ex-spouse, or the hurt feelings of stepchildren, or the insecurity of stepsiblings, (the variables for family strife are virtually endless) a veritable boiling cauldron of emotions threatens to spill over into the dream of the quaint family Christmas, scalding any possibility of what peace and joy might have been.
Eight years ago I experienced my first Christmas with our blended family. With each Christmas our family has drawn closer as together we’ve experienced the challenge of each holiday.
I’ve learned a few lessons that have helped me grow with my blended family during the holiday season.
I ceased chasing that perfect Christmas; it doesn’t exist; there never was one and never will be. God could have made that first Christmas a perfect one, but he didn’t. No room was left in the inn; and the holy family was homeless. Maybe God was trying to tell us something: Life is experienced in the struggle---in brokenness, in hurt, and in pain. Just as he was there in a dirty stable the first Christmas, so God is in the midst of our families’ messiness.
Releasing the pressure of finding the perfect Christmas freed us to try new things. We’ve taken past traditions and incorporated them into our family in ways that created something different. For instance, we open some presents on Christmas Eve (a tradition from my family) and some on Christmas morning (a tradition in Lori’s family), and in so doing started a new tradition.
I’ve also learned that no matter the number of children (we have four) in a blended family, each child is different, and each child is the same. Each has unique characteristics, but they all have the same basic emotional needs: love, acceptance, security, attention. In healthy family relations those needs can be met. Maybe that’s why the biblical character, King David, described God as a “father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,” a God who “places the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:5, 6).
Christmas season bristles with emotions so tense they sometimes seem to ricochet off the walls. I like the words of the Apostle Paul when he admonished his readers to “take care of those who are weak” (I Thessalonians 5:14). Often, during Christmas, those in blended families are experiencing the deep pain of broken relationships or feeling the emptiness of a loved one who is no longer there. Or maybe both.
It’s perhaps the sense of loss---the absence of a parent or child at Christmas, the grief of what once was and never will be again---that is most pronounced in blended families. But, the void felt by changed circumstances cuts across the emotional landscape of all family structures, however “family” may be defined.
My mother and father are encountering the emotions experienced with their first Christmas in a retirement facility. “I miss the smells of cooking in my own kitchen, decorating my house, and inviting friends over,” Mom confided to me the other day. And then with added insight, “One thing about it, life is about change, no matter your age or where you are.”
Or the type of family you’re in.
It’s true; it’s inevitable: Change is the permanent constant. Successfully blending a family is only saying, “Yes,” to the possibilities for new life, knowing that whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter--life is found in the One who never changes, the One who calls us forward, the One who knows blending our life with those we love is what life is all about.
Contact David B. Whitlock, Ph.D. at drdavid@davidbwhitlock.com or visit his website, www.davidbwhitlock.com
Showing posts with label Christmas stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas stress. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Finding Common Ground at the Manger this Christmas
“What part of Christmas do you find most stressful?” I asked my secretary the other day.
“The shopping,” she said, without hesitating.
“The shopping,” those two words just about cover it all.
The traffic---trying to find a parking place, struggling to drive from one store to the next--- and the crowds, rushing to get in line, scurrying by other shoppers in the mall---all come with the shopping. It’s an all inclusive non-bargain.
And, unless you have the patience of Job or the placidity of the Dali Lama, you’re most likely to bring your little gift bags of shopping stress and strain to your home, or work, or even---dare I say it?---your house of worship.
December---the month when Christians are supposed to be focusing on the birth of the Christ child---is not immune from the same conflict and discord that characterize the world the other eleven months of the year. December just seems to get hit hardest that way.
The angel’s words to the shepherds, announcing the birth of Jesus, seem to mock our frequently misplaced priorities: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men” Luke 2:14).
“Yeah, right!” our cynical side snickers.
But wait! There’s still the possibility of a peaceful Christmas. We don’t have to stumble through this season, arriving on the 25th, battered, bruised, frustrated and drained. We are, after all, in charge of our choices and ultimately, our feelings.
Just as a swimmer in turbulent waters finds calmness beneath the surface, we too can find peace if we will only take a deep breath and dive deep, descending to the epicenter of Christmas, the ground zero of the whole tradition, the place where it all began: the night a baby was born in a manger.
For those who choose to celebrate a Christmas with Christ in it, this is where it begins and ends, if they are to find a peace that produces unity not division, hope not despair, light and not darkness.
That peace brings a sense of well-being and purpose not only to families upended by the world’s agenda, but also to houses of worship as well, and it has the potential to galvanize a united front of Christians standing in unity at the common ground found in the manger.
In this world where political agreements are stymied by entrenchment, where once married couples fight custody battles, where the have nots camp in protest of the haves, people yearn for solutions. Christmas can be a most opportune time for the Christian community to demonstrate a unity based on the peace found in the One they claim to follow.
Father Jonathan Morris, speaking recently on the talk show hosted by former evangelist, Reverend James Robison, urged Protestants and Catholics to find common ground. Father Morris, a frequent contributor and analyst for the Fox News Channel, and who currently serves as one of the vicars at the Basilica at St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral in New York City, issued an impassioned plea for Christians to work together. Speaking to Robison, Fr. Morris said, “Not that you believe every single theological thing that I believe…but we have so much in common, we have one person in common, that is Jesus Christ…(so) we have to work together, we have to have courage to walk together no matter what anyone says.”
Maybe a start in that direction could be made if Protestants stepped inside a Catholic Church and Catholics stood in a Protestant church and sensing the traditions of the place, found a manger scene or at least a picture or image of the Christ child.
Having done that, maybe believers could try gazing at the scene and perhaps even imagine the smell of the dirt the in that cattle stall where Jesus was born. It’s the dirt from which we all came; it’s the dust to which we all return.
But in the manger we find something beyond ourselves, something that unites us as we encounter Jesus; we discover in him the common ground that brings peace on earth and good will towards all people.
It’s in that common ground that we might just find Christmas, after all.
David B. Whitlock, Ph.D., is Pastor of Lebanon Baptist Church in Lebanon, Ky. He is also an adjunct teacher at Campbellsville University in Campbellsville, Ky. Email David at drdavid@davidbwhitlock.com or visit his website, www.davidbwhitlock.com.
“The shopping,” she said, without hesitating.
“The shopping,” those two words just about cover it all.
The traffic---trying to find a parking place, struggling to drive from one store to the next--- and the crowds, rushing to get in line, scurrying by other shoppers in the mall---all come with the shopping. It’s an all inclusive non-bargain.
And, unless you have the patience of Job or the placidity of the Dali Lama, you’re most likely to bring your little gift bags of shopping stress and strain to your home, or work, or even---dare I say it?---your house of worship.
December---the month when Christians are supposed to be focusing on the birth of the Christ child---is not immune from the same conflict and discord that characterize the world the other eleven months of the year. December just seems to get hit hardest that way.
The angel’s words to the shepherds, announcing the birth of Jesus, seem to mock our frequently misplaced priorities: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men” Luke 2:14).
“Yeah, right!” our cynical side snickers.
But wait! There’s still the possibility of a peaceful Christmas. We don’t have to stumble through this season, arriving on the 25th, battered, bruised, frustrated and drained. We are, after all, in charge of our choices and ultimately, our feelings.
Just as a swimmer in turbulent waters finds calmness beneath the surface, we too can find peace if we will only take a deep breath and dive deep, descending to the epicenter of Christmas, the ground zero of the whole tradition, the place where it all began: the night a baby was born in a manger.
For those who choose to celebrate a Christmas with Christ in it, this is where it begins and ends, if they are to find a peace that produces unity not division, hope not despair, light and not darkness.
That peace brings a sense of well-being and purpose not only to families upended by the world’s agenda, but also to houses of worship as well, and it has the potential to galvanize a united front of Christians standing in unity at the common ground found in the manger.
In this world where political agreements are stymied by entrenchment, where once married couples fight custody battles, where the have nots camp in protest of the haves, people yearn for solutions. Christmas can be a most opportune time for the Christian community to demonstrate a unity based on the peace found in the One they claim to follow.
Father Jonathan Morris, speaking recently on the talk show hosted by former evangelist, Reverend James Robison, urged Protestants and Catholics to find common ground. Father Morris, a frequent contributor and analyst for the Fox News Channel, and who currently serves as one of the vicars at the Basilica at St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral in New York City, issued an impassioned plea for Christians to work together. Speaking to Robison, Fr. Morris said, “Not that you believe every single theological thing that I believe…but we have so much in common, we have one person in common, that is Jesus Christ…(so) we have to work together, we have to have courage to walk together no matter what anyone says.”
Maybe a start in that direction could be made if Protestants stepped inside a Catholic Church and Catholics stood in a Protestant church and sensing the traditions of the place, found a manger scene or at least a picture or image of the Christ child.
Having done that, maybe believers could try gazing at the scene and perhaps even imagine the smell of the dirt the in that cattle stall where Jesus was born. It’s the dirt from which we all came; it’s the dust to which we all return.
But in the manger we find something beyond ourselves, something that unites us as we encounter Jesus; we discover in him the common ground that brings peace on earth and good will towards all people.
It’s in that common ground that we might just find Christmas, after all.
David B. Whitlock, Ph.D., is Pastor of Lebanon Baptist Church in Lebanon, Ky. He is also an adjunct teacher at Campbellsville University in Campbellsville, Ky. Email David at drdavid@davidbwhitlock.com or visit his website, www.davidbwhitlock.com.
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